I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
