I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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