If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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