The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Randomize
