The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
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