I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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