literally had 100 drinks last night.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
