i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
