I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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