booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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