soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
