i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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