i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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