Little spoons don't ask big questions
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
