How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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