i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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