i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
