3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
