I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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