1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize