it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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