Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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