I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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