Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
