You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Randomize
