Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Randomize
