Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Alive.
So much puke
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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