were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Randomize
