there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
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