I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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