Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
