New low: just hacked my moms facebook
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Randomize
