I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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