You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
