Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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