i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
