That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
my poor anus
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
