Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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