i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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