I have demons in me.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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