tell your sister to shave her snatch
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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