I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
