my mouth tastes like poor choices
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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