I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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