soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
