my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize