it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize