I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
