No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
