I bet he comes in French.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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