Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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