Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
