It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
