How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize