Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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