The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
