He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
