I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
