ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
